I’ve recently become an Aunt again, for the 5th time and I lovingly held my beautiful niece in my arms, gently rocking her whilst gazing at her perfect face and dark hair. Of course, I let my mind wander and consider how it would feel if it was my daughter I was holding, what would she look like? Would I be a good Mother? What if we can’t have children?
I’ve always been open about the fact I genuinely love babies and children, I have pangs of desire to have my own little family. I suppose that instinctively I choose to marry the type of man who would be a fantastic Father. But, it doesn’t mean that we are 100% sure if we want to start a family or not.
Of course, I’m of childbearing age, I’m constantly reminded of the fact that I’m “not getting any younger” and I should consider it sooner rather than later. But, I’m happy to admit that it frightens me, I’m afraid to lose myself, I’m aware that we’d have to craft a different way of living and I’m not sure that I’m ready. The problem is, that because I’m constantly asked about when I’m expecting to grow a baby and it’s starting to grate on me.
We have friends who are parents, they are straight-talking about the struggles, the highs, and the lows and I really respect that honesty. Having a child is not only a physical commitment (for 9 months), but it’s also a financial, mental and emotional change. It’s a life-changing choice, the world is tough enough and I don’t want to half-heartedly parent, if we’re going to create life, I’m going to give it my all.
I’m also sick and tired of my Instagram explore feed spewing pictures of “Perfect Motherhood” – I’m sorry but who the hell takes her daughter for a walk wearing a fitted dress, 4-inch heels, pearls, diamonds, and a Chanel bag?
Then, on another note, my job’s have the potential to move in some interesting directions and I’m a driven individual. I’d have to jiggle my dreams and maybe by waiting a little longer between us we could create a better life for our children, yeah I said “children”. Twins run in my family, they’ve skipped a generation so a small part of me is hoping for two babies (two birds, one stone anyone?). Then I have a huge anxiety attack, I run to the bedroom and check that our stockpile of condoms isn’t running low.
But more than ever, modern lifestyles are changing and we shouldn’t judge couples on their choices, as it’s not our right to know the backstory or personal reasons. I fully respect and love our friends with children, I’m interested in hearing about their kids and happy to spend time with them. Just please, don’t pressure, judge or question me, I’m still thinking it over…