I read that confession is good for the soul; therefore it can only be a good thing to share my story and explain my obsession.
What am I obsessed with?
With how my body looks, diets and the fact I am constantly waiting for one meal to morph me into a super human health food warrior, speedy runner, wholesome living, 6 pack adorned beauty.
The reality is that sadly I am more of a worrier than a warrior.
Before I lost 4 stone, I was carefree about my diet, making choices to satisfy my sweet tooth and subsequent junk food addiction. Once I had lost the weight, my journey towards sustaining my new found shape started and hasn’t stopped since. This journey has lead me down roads of becoming vegetarian, calorie counting, living off watery soup and ryvita or scrumptious 16 calorie crackers, carb cycling and paleo.
Every time I quit ‘calorie counting websites’, I’d feel contentment and a weight lifted from my shoulders, ‘never again‘ I would cry. Only to return a year later for another ‘experiment‘ and when I’m using ‘calorie counting websites‘, I used to cheat on a regular basis. I’m confident that ‘calorie counting websites‘ like cheat’s, the reason being is because that is what keeps us going back?
Whenever I restarted calorie counting I would find myself swayed towards the ‘danger zone‘ of diet food. The colourful packaging luring me in with promises of sweet satisfaction for low calories (which is apparently the Holy Grail). For a moment I feel proud of my choice and then I’m whisked into a frenzy of bitter-sweet disappointment as it then takes a further 3 servings for me to feel satisfied. Which results in me sitting in guilty funk, knowing that should have just eaten the real thing or had something else.
Alongside my Instagram addiction, I find myself scouring over ‘what I ate‘ blogs, desperate to find someone with my appetite, only to feel gluttonous. All of a sudden I’m sitting at home, wondering why I’m the person who is dependent on everyone else at the table agreeing to seconds, dessert or a midnight snack.
Food is fuel; I have running personal bests to achieve and I want to feel strong, energised and able. Once I start following a certain diet I’ll convince myself that because I’m eating magical fairy dust I can accomplish all these things. Why? Because the beautiful glowing lady on the internet told me so. Then 3 weeks later I’m clinging to a lamppost, unable to keep running to then be diagnosed anaemic, picking up every cold going and unable to comprehend why I am not glowing?
Throughout my journey I have picked up some sensible knowledge, I learnt that eating less than 1,800 calories a day was not sustainable for me, I started to embrace my healthy appetite and feel good. I’d eat wholesome, balanced meals, bursting with colour and good nutrition, suddenly the world of eating well was my oyster. Then, I’d find myself in the kitchen alternating spoonfuls of nutella and peanut butter from the jar after scanning the internet for the next big thing in diets and lifestyle.
Ahhhh the next big thing, I leant about ‘cheat day’s’ which means I go to a buffet or my kitchen and behave not unlike an un-chaperoned 4 year old. However, I will have prepared for this event by calling it a ‘cheat day‘ and that was just fine by me. Anyway, have you seen the size 6 fitness model on my Instragram feed? She eats’ a 3,000 calorie flex bowl weekly and she’s still very slim, perhaps after the buffet I’ll google the ‘if it fits my macros’ plan.
Last week I realised I cannot sustain this kind of lifestyle, I need to sustain a life where I eat real food which covers all food groups, for my own fitness, health and well-being. I need to move away from the trendy new ‘life changing’ diet, a life free from desserts made only with dates and green dust.
Maybe after all, I will be healthy, happy and thriving, I’m sure, that was just what I was looking for all along…