I feel like a hypocrite for wanting to lose weight…

 

I’ve written several times about my tricky relationship with my body, it’s not getting any easier despite my endless attempts.  The problem is that I  fell chin deep into over-consumption of fitness/health trends. I drank the weird green tea, I cut my carbs, added protein to everything, and I tried desperately to like avocado (and I still don’t).

But hang about, the world of ‘Wellness’ is powerful isn’t it? It’s also relentless, wherever I look there’s yet another perfectly edited picture of a cookie cutter nutritionist, sharing her wisdom. Or yet another ‘fitness blogger’ who’s not only the perfect 10, but she’s going to save the world too! I was sold and I was obsessed, this was a gang I wanted to be involved with. 

You see, when I stopped dieting and obbessively running, a part of me missed being part of a movement ‘Low carb’ – ‘Paleo’ – ‘Carb-cycling’ – ‘UK Run Chat’ – ‘Lean in 15’ – ‘BBG’ – I was part of a gang, do you see the pattern here?  I think so many of us, just want to belong. 

Influence

The capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself.

So, let me turn this around – What happened when I started eating sugar, stopped running so many miles and unfollowed most of the ‘big’ fitness and health bloggers?

 I gained 10lbs over a year but that was mainly from the very simple fact I was moving a lot less and eating more in a completely unrestricted way. By the way,It’s not actually rocket science, although the health industry loves to complicate matters or create fad’s, because they are fashionable and at the end of the day, that is what sells. 

Just for the record, I don’t regret anything I’ve eaten over the past 10 months, all the cheese, chocolate, cake and pastry’s, it’s all completely delicious. I refuse to cut anything from my diet, I just need to be more aware of how much I’m eating and my reasons for over-consumption. 

When it comes to fitness, during the past year, I’ve maintained a base level running fitness, I lost my speed but can still run a 10km or enjoy my weekly Parkrun. I don’t lift weights as often as  I should and I most certainly enjoy following lots of ‘real’ people over the big fitness bloggers. 

But, after previously writing that we should love our bodies, am I a great big douche bag hypocrite?

Yes. To an extent I am.

Exercising less had a very detrimental effect on my mental health, now I’ve eased into exercising more frequently I’m finding some of my troubles easier to handle. On the other hand, I have crippling frustration and anxiety over the fact I’m not as fit ‘the old me’

I’m not at all comfortable in my current shape, whilst I’m not cutting carbs, chugging protein powder or avoiding sugar, I’m back on my fitness pal. But this time I’m doing it quietly, no one wants to talk about weight loss anymore, it’s not fashionable…

I feel fraudulent for wanting to change, but at the same time, I want to be honest…

I started working out and took an interest in wellness because I wanted to better myself, there were so many incredible changes from losing weight and discovering fitness. I won’t lie, my personal journey, despite being complicated really did improve my life for the better. Strangely enough, despite this, none of the big differences actually related to the number on the scales and that’s what’s important here, regardless of my constant desire to change that number.

I want to be the change, but maybe the fact is that before I can honestly preach to others, I need to learn to love myself first…

Katie

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